Oh yes, AND, God bless Vons.

I got some new books recently. Actually I got them on Father's Day and read them to my parents while we were in the car on the way to the beach. They were not so captivated as I was when I found these goodies at, of all places, Vons market: From the Harlequin Expecting series, 'The Italian Billionaire's Pregnant Bride' and 'The Spaniard's Pregnancy Proposal, Expecting!' From the Harlequin NASCAR Racing Series, I scored 'Forbidden Attraction' and 'Fully Engaged.' Who would have believed that they'd have such specialized romance novels nowadays. No one, which is why I present an excerpt from 'The Italian Billionaire's Pregnant Bride':

Sergio ended his phone call and sat down at his glass desk. Only then did he notice the cleaner, who was down on her knees [bj reference] busily scrubbing the carpet [masturbation reference] on the other side of the office. The long hair clasped at her nape [s&m choking reference] was an eye-catching metallic mix of copper, amber, and auburn shades [stuff for the ladies].

'Thank you, that'll do,' he told her dismissively.
Kathy glanced up. [My name's Kathy too!] 'It'll stain if i leave it,' she warned.

She settled huge green eyes on him. They were fringed with lashes like a cartoon fawn's, Sergio found himself thinking abstractedly [I think he means Bambi, and I think abstractedly is not a word]. Her face was heart-shaped [Yes, ladies, hearts.] and unusual and so spectacular in its beauty that he who never stared at a woman stared. Even a shapeless overall could not conceal the grace of her slender long-legged figure. Just as quickly he was convinced that she could not posibly be an authentic cleaner. She had to be an out-of-work actress or a model [isn't this how every knocked-up housewife imagines herself?] Women that beautiful didn't scub floors for a living. How had she got [yes, not gotten] past security?

So that's how Sergio and Bambi met. FFWD to some quotes:

"All Kathy could think of was the threat of being sent back to prison."[Hey, I have an Aunt Kathy who was in prison!]

"There was a timeless moment of pure ecstacy and joy. In the sensual ripples of delight that followed, she felt wonderfully close to him, transformed and at peace. And then her brain kicked back into action and blew all those fine feelings away again. She rememered how things really were between them and felt angry, mortified, and earth-shatteringly bitter. [I'm so glad I'm not the only one!] As a deep sense of hurt threatened to surface she squashed ti glat and wrenched herself free of his arms in a fierce gesture of rejection. 'Can I leave now?'"

"..What if her worst fear came true and she was pregnant? Pregnant by a guy whom she hated like poison?"[Guess what, bitches!!]


So I officially hate that this book represents women who relate to this douchey lady Kathy, and I love that there is published proof that people are lame. So that's why I think I must become a romance novelist and lead the way for a self-improvement romance genre.